Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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