But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
