dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
