i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
