Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
