Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
