my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
