i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
