I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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