Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
