I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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