just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
