You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
