My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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