Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
