My liver just broke up with me...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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