Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
