(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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