Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
