he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
