Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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