Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize