I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
