I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
