I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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