Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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