getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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