Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
