Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
