true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize