I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
