Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize