Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
