My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize