there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
