Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
