I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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