FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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