i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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