im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Be still, my beating vagina.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
