So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
