After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
