apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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