If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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