NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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