You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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