I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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