Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
