I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
