I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
