Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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