so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im calling her cock vulture from now on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize