this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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