1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
