ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
