We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
