When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
