The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
