Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will be naked everywhere
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
