Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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