remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
