life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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