He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
