Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
