seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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